Do You Feel Good In Your Own Skin?
I never did. Even in my teens, when I was healthy (and much skinnier), I hated the way I looked. I felt fat. I thought I looked fat.
Looking back now at pictures of me then, I wonder what in the world was wrong with me. Why didn’t I like the way I looked? Why didn’t I feel good in my own skin?
Poor self-esteem.
Many years later, after the birth of my son, I started gaining weight. I stopped stepping on the scale. I took down my full-length mirror. I hated to look at myself. I started viewing myself in a mirror that only showed my shoulders to the top of my head.
I started gaining weight. I kept eating and self-medicating myself with food. Something strange happened, though. During this time period, even though I was heavier than I’d ever been, I fell in love with myself.
I know that probably sounds weird, but there’s no other way to describe the transformation I underwent. As fat and unhealthy as I was, I slowly began learning several important things:
- To love myself for who I was, not for what I wanted to be.
- To stop trying to fit into the mold others wanted to put me in.
- To say no when I meant no, and yes when I meant yes.
- To live my life for me, and not according to what others expected of me.
Of course, even though I was going through a tremendous emotional change, I was also eating myself into oblivion. I remember the day I caught a glimpse of myself in a full-length mirror again. I was mortified. I didn’t look like ME.
I felt great. I loved myself (finally!). I was enjoying life again. But the woman matching my stare in the mirror definitely did not look like me. Once again, I found myself right back where I started–uncomfortable in my own skin. Only now I have the tools I need to change that for myself.
Roundtable:
- Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror?
- Is your weight reflective of how you feel about yourself?
- Have you noticed your weight going up/down in relation to where you are, mentally?
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POSTED IN: Weighty Issues
6 opinions for Do You Feel Good In Your Own Skin?
Kristen King
May 30, 2008 at 2:42 pm
This is like the story of my life, Hope. I was always SUPER skinny (until college, but we’ll get to that in a minute), like under than 110 lbs at 5′6″ was my heaviest all through high school, but I thought I was a cow for some reason. I hated how I looked and I even stopped eating pretty much entirely for a really long time. (My parents figured out what was going on and basically force-fed at least one meal a day and made me keep a food journal so they could keep track. They also put me in therapy, bless them, even though we couldn’t really afford it.)
Now I’m 130-135 lbs (my heaviest was 150 and I wanted to kill myself, seriously) and I look NORMAL to other people. Even when i see photos of myself, I’m like, okay, I look good, but when I look at my reflection, it’s like a funhouse mirror or something. I feel huge. I feel totally unattractive. I hate it. I don’t like to be naked or wear two-piece bathing suits because I feel too fat. It’s insane, I know. And the worse I feel about it, the less I eat and then the worse I feel physically. It’s this horrible cycle.
I know it’s irrational, but I can’t break it. I did years of therapy and got tired of talking about the same things over and over and over, so right now I’m done with that. Meds help, but I am just not comfortable with myself and my body. It’s really, really frustrating. Does everyone feel this way? Or just us???
kk
Hope Wilbanks
May 30, 2008 at 3:03 pm
You sound just like me. Except the crazy thing about me is that when I reached my highest weight was the point when I actually felt good about myself and didn’t mind looking at myself in the mirror (although I didn’t like that I’m overweight, mind ya).
I think a lot of people feel this way, but are too afraid to admit it. Thanks for opening up and sharing here, Kristen. Maybe between my story and yours, a lot more women (and men) will feel brave to share their thoughts here, too!
Karen Lynch
May 30, 2008 at 4:18 pm
You know, for me, it’s so complicated, because of my two battles with breast cancer. The first time, I’d felt so helpless against the diagnosis … I joined Weight Watchers and lost 25 pounds and loved the body I had. I felt like I couldn’t control whether or not I got cancer but I could control my weight. I gradually put some of the weight back on but I liked who I was, I felt strong and capable and empowered as I went through life — who cared if I was a size 10 and not an 8. Life was good.
After my second diagnosis, I developed a ‘F*** it’ attitude. I was happy to be alive, and had so many scars on my body from so many surgeries I just stopped caring what I looked like and wanted to enjoy every minute of life and every morsel life had to offer. I gained back the rest of the weight and put on 5 additional pounds.
This past March I decided to deal with the repercussions of that attitude. My size 12s were too tight and I was uncomfortable in my skin and my clothes. Time to lose … I’m down 7 pounds but want to drop at least ten more.
Some days I look in the mirror and see my scars and think ‘whew, I’m one seriously strong and beautiful woman’ and other days I look and see something else … I think ‘I have the upper arms of an elephant’!
My question is … how do I raise a “healthy-minded” daughter when my own self-esteem is definitely connected to my appearance?
Angelique
May 30, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Hope:
You know, I have never felt comfortable in my own skin (after about age 7 or 8) and have always admired people who did.
Whenever I look in the mirror, I am saddened by my appearance. I know that by society’s standards, I’m not fat — in fact, some people consider me fairly “small”, especially since I’m petite in build. But in my mind, I’m an elephant.
Even though I’m no longer saddled with anorexia the way I was as a teen, I still can’t seem to love my body. Maybe I never will… but I won’t give up trying!
Alicia Sparks, NAMI Affiliation Leader
May 31, 2008 at 2:00 am
There have only been three times in my life when I felt truly uncomfortable with my body and appearance. (And I use the word “only” loosely.) The first was when I was 14. Well, I felt comfortable, until my best friend (at that time) commented that people could “smell bacon” when I walked (this was directed toward my thighs rubbing together). I can’t remember how tall I was at that time (I’m 5′6 now), but I weighed about 140 pounds. I guess to other stick thin teenage girls, 140 pounds is grotesque or something. Anyway, it hit me pretty hard. I was a kid for Christ’s sake.
The second time was when I was 23. I hit a major depression and went from 130 pounds to 111 pounds in a few months. Being that skinny was not something I aimed for, nor was it something that made me feel good. Everywhere I went, I just knew people were noticing my nonexistent boobs and butt.
The third time came not much later when I was 23/24. I hit another major depression and did something I’d never done before - turned to food. I went from that same 111 pounds to 165 pounds in a matter of months. The same people who were noticing my nonexistent boobs and butt before were now noticing my very existent EVERYTHING.
The one line in that Britney Spears song, “Piece of Me”: “I’m Mrs. She’s too big now she’s too thin” resonates with me.
Anyway, the whole point of this trip down memory lane: I’ve ALWAYS had a…”Yeah? Well you can kiss my ass” kind of attitude toward people who don’t like me, don’t like what I do, don’t like anything, etc. However, when it comes to my physical appearance - my weight, particularly - I’ve just never been able to make that attitude work for me.
I always feel like I have to have their acceptance.
It’s kind of happening again. A person in my life has started working out and looks fantastic, and I’m becoming depressed with the fact that I need to tone up.
People are homeless and starving in the streets of this country, and I’m worried about toning up.
Wtf is wrong with me.
I refuse to let it happen again.
Hope Wilbanks
Jun 1, 2008 at 7:50 am
@Angelique: That’s right….we have to keep trying to improve our self-image. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
@Alicia: What a horrible comment for a “friend” to make to you at such an early age! And you’ve pointed out a perfect point. People around us (almost always our friends and/or family) seem to take note of the NEGATIVE changes, and point them out.
I never have understood why it’s so much easier to point out the bad stuff, rather than focus on the GOOD stuff about us. There is someone in my life who is very good (or rather, BAD) at doing this. It’s one thing when she did it to me, but the first time she made a comment TO my daughter about her two front teeth being crooked (she was 5 years old, for goodness sake!!!), I nearly came unglued.
I immediately took my daughter away, then straight away told her that her teeth were perfect, just as they were, and that in time they would straighten (and they did!). To this day, when “she” sees my daughter, she still makes a comment about her teeth (”Thank God her teeth straightened, I was so worried about that,” or something along those lines). It’s terrible that grown people do such awful things to kids (or kids to kids, too).
THAT is what has taken me moving two states away to learn….NEVER allow someone else’s negative opinion to penetrate and pierce your heart and soul. And that is what makes me try even harder to instill stronger self-esteem and self-confidence in my kids. I want them to know that they are perfect just as they are. And if they don’t like something about themselves, I want it to be because it’s THEIR opinion, and not because it’s something somebody else thinks is “ugly.”
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with us!
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